Regretful Mistake
by aRLegOdDesS
Summary: She wished that she had chosen to sacrifice herself instead of undergoing such pain.  AlistairxF!Cousland


Sooo...I don't know what came to me and WHHHHYYYY I wrote angst all of a sudden for this sweet and adorable ex-templar at **FIVE IN THE FREAKING MORNING**. Oh geez, he makes me blush. Anywayz, enjoy~!  
>(Will proof-read this later...or <em>never<em> considering I'm lazy. -_-)  
><strong>Warning<strong>: Minor spoilers on the waaaaay!

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><p><strong><span>Regretful Mistake<span>**

How could someone make a decision for such a mortifying matter? Was it even possible to consider such thing when it was undeniably immoral? It was so distressing and brought confusion to her heart. She didn't know what to do. All these mixed emotions that kept plaguing her heart were so persistent to exist. They didn't want to cease. The sad thing was that she was _actually_ considering it in spite of the fact that it would tore her heart into tiny little pieces. Did it really have to end in such way? Was there really no other way for both she and he to survive the big happening tomorrow?

She could feel the tears forming in her eyes, chest becoming incredibly tight at how frustrated and distressed she felt. She knew that there really was no way to save their lives but to accept Morrigan's offer. But the thought of having her most treasured person lay with another woman…

Oh Maker, she could not bear the thought. Yet, she was selfish, and foolish at the same time – she wanted to live and wanted him to live. She wanted to be by his side and wanted him by her side after all this. Even if she was a Grey Warden, she was still human, a woman at that. She still longed to be loved and to love. Was that too selfish to ask for?

"I see you can't sleep either, huh?"

She flinched a bit at the voice that spoke and immediately blinked the tears away. Turning slightly, she was greeted by his charming smile she had grown to adore. He looked exhausted, which was no surprise since with everything that had been happening lately, how could one not tire from such tiring incidents?

"I suppose," she said, trying with all her might to hide her distress. "On your way to your room already?" She asked.

"Yes. After all what's happened today, I think I might just retire to my room now. Unless, you have other plans, no?" He casted her a sly grin, making her chuckle a bit.

"I would love to, but I am exhausted to the bones," she said. "But I don't mind spending some time with you for a bit."

"I suppose that would do instead," he said as he laced his fingers with hers. She followed him as they walked to his room, all the while, her heart raced like there was no tomorrow. She could only be thankful that he was wearing his iron gauntlets to notice her shaking fingers.

"So, I saw Morrigan outside your room earlier," he started once they were inside his room. "The look she gave me…that was icy even for her. Is something up?" He asked, worried eyes looking down on her shorter self.

Her heart thumped loudly from her chest, eyes widening. Immediately, she changed the topic. She was still unable to bring the issue up to him.

"You mentioned that you were unable to sleep? Is something the matter?" She asked, giving him a quivering smile.

"Not really. All these men look at me and…I see it in their eyes: I'm their king. Suddenly, it feels all real," he said thoughtfully, brows furrowing slightly.

Her eyes saddened with such dread at his words. Even though he made it clear to everyone that he did not want to be king, she had forced the responsibility upon him. Oh, how foolish she really was. However, after all the things Loghain had done for both she and the former king, she did not want the man and his daughter, Anora, to rule the kingdom. She still held such hatred and bitterness towards the two.

"But now you're changing the subject." Alistair's voice brought her train of thoughts to a stop.

She slowly looked up and met his endearing eyes.

"This isn't about me, this is about Morrigan. I'm tired but I'm not stupid. What did she want?" He pried, eyes intently on her.

Her lips quivered while her hands grew cold.

"We…need to talk," she softly said. She tried her best not to stutter.

"Oh," he said, growing quiet all of a sudden. "I guess whatever Morrigan had to say, it's big. This is what I get for becoming king. Everyone always brings you the bad news. So what is it then? Rats running amok? Cheese supplies run low? I can take it," he said wittily with that familiar grin forming on his face, hoping to lighten the tensed atmosphere.

"I love you. You know that, right?" She said with a bitter smile, tracing her slender fingers on his cheek, eyes brimming with tears. In that moment, he felt anxious, worried about what had happened between she and Morrigan. He did not like the way she looked pained and close to tears.

"Could you make it sound more ominous? Tell me already," he persisted, crossing his arms to his chest.

"What if…" She stated, unsure how to word out her thoughts. "What if I told you that there was a way to avoid dying tomorrow?"

"You mean with the archdemon, right?" He asked. "If you mean running away, I can't do that. But you don't mean that, do…you? What is this about?" He asked, growing impatient already.

"I need you to take part in a magic ritual," she said as she pulled away from him.

"Oh? Something Morrigan cooked up, no doubt. What do you need me to do?" He asked eagerly. It pained her to see him eager to hear what Morrigan had told her, but she could not blame him. He was unaware of how this ritual would go and what he must need to do in order to guarantee their lives in tomorrow's event. She looked away and turned her back to him as she held her hands together.

"You must sleep with her," she said, surprisingly steady and calm.

He suddenly laughed, surprising her.

"Cute. This is payback, right? For all the jokes?" When he was met with silence and that pained look on her face, he knew that she was serious. "But…you're not joking. You're actually serious…" He trailed after.

"Wow, be killed by the archdemon or sleep with Morrigan?" He paced back and forth while he looked at the ceiling. "How does someone make that kind of choice?"

'_I don't know_,' was her thought. She could not bear to answer to him.

"You're not actually asking me this, are you? What kind of ritual is this anyway?" By the way he sounded, she could tell that he was exasperated.

"…It's some kind of ancient magic. Something…Flemeth came up with, probably." It was astonishing that she was still able to find her voice given by the fact of the matter.

"Well, that was assuring." A pause. "_Not_." He went to take a sit on a chair that was by a corner and looked at her, eyes clouded with confusion and puzzlement.

"Look, even if I was willing to this idea…and I'm not saying I am," he said, shaking his head at the idea of sleeping with Morrigan. "Is this what you really want me to do? Are you sure…?" He trailed after and looked at her, hoping that everything she had told him so far were all a practical joke. But when she looked away, torn between crying and raging, he knew that she really was telling him to sleep with someone other than her.

"Please, you need…to trust me on this," she said as she stood in front of him, holding his hands with a rueful look on her eyes.

"I do trust you," he said, voice sounding strangled. "If this is what you think is best…I'll do it."

Oh why did it still hurt even though she already knew that he would agree to this? Hearing it from his own mouth…she expected him to object a little more before he agreed to this. But…

_Dear Andraste_. She was about to cry!

Alistair groaned, standing up. "Where is she? Let's go and get this over with before…I change my mind." He walked out of his room. She gazed at his departing form, tears falling down her cheeks. She wanted to desperately stop him from going, but it was too late. She wanted to live and be with him and the fact that she told him of this…

Oh, Maker, why did this have to happen? Could you have not been merciful towards them? All they had wanted was to be together, but in order to be together, there should be a price such as this? It was truly unfair.

She suddenly felt cool metal wrapping around her hand. Looking up, she saw him. He came back to her.

"I know…this is painful." He took a pause, uncertain how to say his next words. "This is painful…for both you and I. You know…that you were the first woman I had bedded with. And I hoped, that you would be my last as well." He pulled her in his arms, kissing her forehead in an attempt to comfort her.

"I love you and I will always do," he whispered softly and carefully to her as he wiped the tears away from her cheeks.

"So do I," she whispered sadly. "More than you could ever know."

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><p>"'Twould seem your talk is done," Morrigan said as she saw the couple walk inside the room.<p>

"Great. So this isn't a dream after all," Alistair said bitterly, frown forming on his lips.

Morrigan simply ignored him and looked at her.

"What is it to be then? Has a decision been reached?"

She remained silent, unable to look at the mage in the eye. Alistair held her hand, squeezing it in assurance. Though the way his fingers shook beneath your fingers did not help you the very least.

"Alistair has agreed…to your request," she said, regret lacing her voice.

"You know, dinner would have been nice….maybe a bit of wine? Or you could knock me out, first," he suggested.

"Tempting. Still, I am glad to see that it has been done. Then let us go somewhere more private, Alistair. And believe me when I say you will not hate this quite so much as you believe."

She held an incredulity look on her face upon hearing Morrigan's words. How could she say that when she was right there? She immediately fled the room, unable to stand such sight.

If she wanted to live – alive and well – with Alistair after all this ordeal, this must be done. Though the fact that her friend would bore his child and not her had hurt her womanly pride greatly. Morrigan could provide him a child while she might not be able to what with the taint and all.

Pathetic.

She was a pathetic little human.

And all she could do was wallow in pity and wished instead that she would be the one to kill the archdemon and offer her life. However, it was too late for that.

Celestine Cousland had just made the greatest and most regrettable mistake in her life.


End file.
